How To Attract A Man
YES FOLKS, IT'S MONDAY THEREFORE IT'S THE ELECTROBELLES TIPS DAY! TIPS THAT IF YOU FOLLOW THEM, THEY ARE GUARENTEED TO MAKE YOUR LIVES EVEN MORE GORGEOUS AND GLAMOROUS! THIS WEEKS TIPS ARE:
TIPS ON HOW TO ATTRACT A MAN. 1. Win the lottery! This is guaranteed to attract a man! You can have a face that would scare a rabid pitbull but by winning the lottery you will look gorgeous! 2. WASH!!! People can get offended by smelly unkempt people! (Although there are some people into odours out there and I’m sure sniffing a toilet bowl is an aphrodisiac to them and good luck to ya’s!) Don’t go up to a fella trying ya luck and you smell of last night’s trade! Shower and spray on a gorgeous scent. The one thing you can put behind your ears to attract a man is your legs! 3. Get some major dirt on them and blackmail them! Tell them if they don’t go out with you, all the dirt you have on them will be broadcast around the Village! 4. Be a complete slag in the bedroom! This will come very easy to many lads though! Don’t play the virgin! That’s great behaviour in a Barbara Cartland novel but your average gay lad will be bored to death with it and try elsewhere! 5. If you are going out to meet a fella, don’t have a kebab before you meet him!! Your breath will stink and the kebab might fly out the other end quicker than you think and unless he’s into scat he won’t speak to you again and your name will be dirt all around the Village! 6. If you are out on a date with a fella DO NOT tell him too much about yourself, especially the bad stuff! Don’t be giving him your bleeding heart story and then start crying about it cos believe me chuck, you won’t see him again! Have an air of mystery about you! 7. If you are desperate for a shag and the fella you have met will do for a quickie but is a bit ugly then just bullshit him by telling him how gorgeous he is and that you’ve always fancied him and tell him what you want to do to him! You are guaranteed to have rampant sex cos the ugly bastard probably hasn’t had it for ages and your dirty talk will make him really excited!! Don’t forget to exit as soon as you’ve dumped your load though otherwise you’ll have a bunny boiler in tow! 8. Tell future trade that you are the manager of the Emporio Armani shop in town and can get him free clothes or if he is a Scally boy, tell him you are the manager of a JJB sports shop and you can supply him with free trackies and trainers! You will have fantastic sex but once again make sure you disappear afterwards, especially from the Scally boy cos when he finds out you aren’t the manager of a JJB sports shop, he is allowed by law to kill you, especially if he’s from Salford! 9. If you meet a lad in a bar or a club, tell him you couldn’t possibly sleep with him because you have a boyfriend and you are in love! This is guaranteed to get him into bed because you know what gay lads are like when confronted by someone who is hitched, they try ten times harder to get them! 10. Go on www.fitlads.net you’ll get a bloke in approximately 2 minutes! Even if you look like Essential nightclub Doorpicker John! ONCE AGAIN, BY FOLLOWING THESE TIPS, THEY WILL MAKE YOUR LIVES EVEN MORE GORGEOUS AND GLAMOROUS! DON'T FORGET TO CHECK OUT THE ELECTROBELLES WEBSITE www.electrobelles.com SO UNTIL NEXT MONDAY, PEACE AND LOVE, THE ELECTROBELLES XX 'On Being A Successful Big Brother Contestant'
TIPS ON BEING A SUCCESSFUL BIG BROTHER CONTESTANT!
1. Go to an audition! No audition, no Big Brother! Easy peasy! 2. Be prepared to sell your soul to the Devil! They will make you do things you wouldn’t make your dog do and all on camera too so the whole world can see you make a complete prick of yourselves!! 3. Be prepared for every shady thing you’ve ever done in your life to surface! That lad you dumped and ripped off will sell his story to some tabloid rag as soon as your arse appears on television! 4. God help you if you have a tiny cock because the whole world will find out when some disgruntled (and skint) ex sells his ‘kiss and tell’ story to the papers! The same rule applies if you do extremely odd things in bed too! 5. Make sure you have a skill to go back to for when you leave the Big Brother house!!! You’ll get your ten minutes of fame alright but then you’ll be old news and if you end up working in a burger bar or cleaning toilets, you’ll be forever mocked by people for being a big loser!! 6. Be a two faced, devious bitch! Meaning, be scheming BUT don’t let anyone know! Loud mouthed bitches get thrown out quicker than quiet devious bitches! The trick is to avoid getting nominated because if you are being overtly devious the public will rumble you and they will vote you out quicker! 7. It helps if you have a dying relative whilst in the Big Brother house, the younger the better, cos you’ll get the sympathy vote. This will work until the last couple of weeks then the public will get bored of your bleeding heart story and vote your arse out! 8. Do not get drunk and start having sex with another contestant under the sheets thinking no one will see ya!! They will! There’s night time camera’s ya daft sod! The same goes for a five knuckle shuffle! EVERYONE will see it and you’ll be pointed at for the rest of your life as that ‘dirty bitch’ from Big Brother. 9. Make sure you are single when you leave the big Brother house, cos you will get masses of sex off different people when you get out! Lads who wouldn’t wipe shit off their shoes with you before you went into the Big Brother house will do anything you want sexually for the first few weeks after you get out! Cash in quick with this though cos a couple of weeks longer and no one will be interested! 10. The best tip of all is DO NOT enter the Big Brother house in the first place!!! Cos the chances are it will foook up your life for you! People will forever rip the piss out of you when your ten minutes of fame is up! 'On Being A Complete Bitch'
TIPS ON BEING A COMPLETE BITCH!
1. Make sure you have a target for your bitching; otherwise you aren’t being a bitch, you are just talking to yourself and people will think you are mad and laugh at you! 2. If someone has ticked you off and they invite you round for tea, when you go to the bathroom, run their toothbrush under the rim of the toilet and shake off any gunge and put it back in it’s place and when you go back down stairs, force tears in your eyes and tell them how much they mean to you, as you collapse inside laughing! 3. If you want to get even with an ex, don’t sleep with his best friend, that’s expected but sleep with his father!! Better still film it and make his dad do the same things and say the same things your ex used to do and say in bed! Then post the DVD to all his family! 4. Again, if you want to get even with an ex, place frozen prawns all around his house/ flat! Place them in the curtain rail, down the back of the sofa. Also put holes in his mattress and stuff them in! Believe me, after a few days, the place will stink like a lobster’s graveyard and he will think he is on the verge of demonic possession, whilst you laugh like a cackling Witch at your wickedness! 5. If someone has done you wrong and they are diabetic then this is an easy one to sort out…. Just make them a ‘sugar free’ desert BUT lace it with syrup!! The bitch will be in a coma faster than you can blink! 6. If you want to really stuff a wrong doer up then tape the National Lottery show the week before and whatever the numbers are, buy a ticket containing those numbers. Give that ticket to the person who has pissed you off and get them to unknowingly watch the recording of the previous week’s lottery with you, thinking they are watching this week’s. Watch them scream with delight thinking that they have won! Don’t tell them what you have done. Let them find out the hard way! 7. To be particularly evil to a wrong doer, buy two boxes of chocolates. One ordinary box of say Thornton’s. The other box should be a huge box of diabetic chocolates. Tell them that you should have a competition as to who can eat the chocolates first! Make sure they get the diabetic chocolates. Get them to eat everyone! Believe me, within an hour they will shit and fart for England on a cosmic scale!! They will spend the night on the loo pebble dashing it and clutching their guts in agony! The more chocolates the better! Make sure you do this before the person is going say, on a date! Or a Christening in a quiet church! 8. If a wrong doer is going on a date, lace their food with as much garlic as possible! Mince a whole bulb of garlic in a blender and mix it in their food! Believe me, eventually, they will honk worse than a Bradford street hooker at 6 in the morning! 9. To get revenge on someone who’s paranoid about their weight and desperate to lose it for a big occasion, take in their favourite clothes on a sewing machine on the day of the big occasion! Then see them struggle trying to get into the clothes and make noises like a pig whilst tutting cos they can’t fit into them! This will destroy there self confidence! 10. Put hair remover cream in their hair conditioner and encourage them to keep the conditioner on longer! This works best if they have lovely long locks! If they have cropped hair, put loads of henna in their conditioner! This will stain their scalp skin and fingernails for weeks afterwards! BUT it’ll some them right of course! 'On How to Attract / Get Rid Of A Man'
TIPS ON HOW TO ATTRACT A MAN.
1. Win the lottery! This is guaranteed to attract a man! You can have a face that would scare a rabid pitbull but by winning the lottery you will look gorgeous! 2. WASH!!! People can get offended by smelly unkempt people! (Although there are some people into odours out there and I’m sure sniffing a toilet bowl is an aphrodisiac to them and good luck to ya’s!) Don’t go up to a fella trying ya luck and you smell of last night’s trade! Shower and spray on a gorgeous scent. The one thing you can put behind your ears to attract a man is your legs! 3. Get some major dirt on them and blackmail them! Tell them if they don’t go out with you, all the dirt you have on them will be broadcast around the Village! 4. Be a complete slag in the bedroom! This will come very easy to many lads though! Don’t play the virgin! That’s great behaviour in a Barbara Cartland novel but your average gay lad will be bored to death with it and try elsewhere! 5. If you are going out to meet a fella, don’t have a kebab before you meet him!! Your breath will stink and the kebab might fly out the other end quicker than you think and unless he’s into scat he won’t speak to you again and your name will be dirt all around the Village! 6. If you are out on a date with a fella DO NOT tell him too much about yourself, especially the bad stuff! Don’t be giving him your bleeding heart story and then start crying about it cos believe me chuck, you won’t see him again! Have an air of mystery about you! 7. If you are desperate for a shag and the fella you have met will do for a quickie but is a bit ugly then just bullshit him by telling him how gorgeous he is and that you’ve always fancied him and tell him what you want to do to him! You are guaranteed to have rampant sex cos the ugly bastard probably hasn’t had it for ages and your dirty talk will make him really excited!! Don’t forget to exit as soon as you’ve dumped your load though otherwise you’ll have a bunny boiler in tow! 8. Tell future trade that you are the manager of the Emporio Armani shop in town and can get him free clothes or if he is a Scally boy, tell him you are the manager of a JJB sports shop and you can supply him with free trackies and trainers! You will have fantastic sex but once again make sure you disappear afterwards, especially from the Scally boy cos when he finds out you aren’t the manager of a JJB sports shop, he is allowed by law to kill you, especially if he’s from Salford! 9. If you meet a lad in a bar or a club, tell him you couldn’t possibly sleep with him because you have a boyfriend and you are in love! This is guaranteed to get him into bed because you know what gay lads are like when confronted by someone who is hitched, they try ten times harder to get them! 10. Go on www.fitlads.net you’ll get a bloke in approximately 2 minutes! Even if you look like the Elephant man! TIPS ON HOW TO GET RID OF A MAN. 1. Tell him you love him and you want to spend the rest of your life with him! This is guaranteed to get rid of a bloke! 2. Tell him you want to finish with him cos his cock is too big!! What the hell is he going to say?? ‘No it’s not!!’ I don’t think so!! 3. Meet him in a bar and turn up in drag! Honey let me tell you, there will be dust where he once sat as he runs like Linford Christie down Canal St getting away from you! 4. If it’s a Scally boy you want to get rid of (Why??? You dumb bitch!!) Tell him you are allergic to gold! WHOOSH!!!! He’s gone! 5. Hit him over the head with a hammer and dump him in a skip! It saves a lot of trouble BUT please be prepared to spend the rest of your life in prison picking up soap in the showers for a 7ft mountain man! 6. Whilst he is in the bath, chuck in a switched on electric heater! Be careful though cos the sudden surge in electricity may end in you having to pay more money each month in your electricity easy payment scheme! 7. Tell him you don’t believe in sex before a civil partnership (How 2008!)! He’ll be out of the door before you can put your hands on your hips! 8. Get your best mate to say they slept with your fella whilst your fella is there! Your best friend probably has slept with him but for the purposes of getting rid of your fella play along with me bitch! Make a BIG issue out of it and tell him you are heart broken and that you never want to see him again!! Try not to start laughing though! 9. Ask your fella if he want’s to have a three way relationship with your sister! Guaranteed to get rid of a fella…….unless he was a Brookside fan! 10. Get Planet Lesbania President, Essential nightclub doorwoman Pam to sort him out! One word from her and you won’t see him again! 'On Being A Gay Porn Star'
TIPS ON BEING A GAY PORN STAR
1. First and foremost make sure there is a movie and a camera involved and other people, otherwise you aren’t in a porn film, you are having a wank! 2. Know your limitations! If there is an audition for a porn movie called ‘Black African Twink12inch Wank Fest’ and you are white, from Grimsby, with a 5 inch cock, no hands and you are a granddad and hate crowds then my advice would be not to waste your time by auditioning, cos bitch, you ain’t getting a part! 3. Unless you are doing a scat movie, make sure you douche; otherwise it will be like making chocolate milk shake in a blender with no top on the blender, especially in a gang bang scene! 4. Make sure that the other person/persons in the movie are of the age of consent! One day under the age of consent and you will be singing: “HELLO SEX REGISTER HERE I COME!” as you are on ‘picking up soap’ duties in the showers of Strangeways prison as you get bummed to death by a 7ft mountain man from a lost tribe in the Pennines! 5. NEVER work with animals! Doggy styling a doggy (The four legged kind) will result in some extreme animal rights group digging up dead relatives of yours and doing unspeakable things to the corpses and it will serve you right! Plus you will also serve time cos it’s illegal! 6. Avoid ‘Chicks with Dicks’ movies if you are a gay man, cos your career will be over prematurely and no one will touch you again sexually, apart from chicks with dicks. 7. Have a few acting lessons! There’s nothing worse than seeing some porn star say: “OH YEAH!” whilst obviously reading off cue cards, cos you can see his head turn for each word!! 8. If you want to knock out the competition on set then scream like a banshee on camera then as soon as the scene is shot then say quite loudly so that the other actors and the director hears: “That was the worst shag of my life!! I really had to act in that scene cos the other guy was shite!” This will make the other actors in the scene really insecure and might stop them getting a hard on thus making you look really good in front of the director! 9. Be prepared to swallow!! It is a must in porn films. Or failing that, really take notice of tip 7 then at least you can act like you are swallowing! 10. Having a huge cock is normally a pre-requisite for a pornstar but just as important, it depends what it is attached to! Meaning if you have a horse dick on you but look like a 5ft, 20 stone Cyclops, then the latter might hinder your career! THERE! I TOLD YOU YOUR LIFE WOULD BE MORE GLAMOROUS AND GORGEOUS! 'On Being A Serial Killer'
**Disclaimer**
The Electrobelles do not condone the act of serial killing (or any other killing for that matter). For those that cannot grasp the concept, this is purely comedic and should only be read in this way. Peace & Love, The Electrobelles 1. Find a victim!! This is important! No victim, no serial killing! Don’t kill yourself cos that would be suicide! 2. Don’t have any witnesses! Killing someone in the middle of ASDA on a Saturday afternoon is not advised! Too many witnesses! 3. Don’t leave any DNA samples! That means no shagging the corpse (Unless with a condom!), no spitting on the body like they do in skinhead videos AND no water sports! It’ll piss off the forensic people but give them plenty of DNA!! 4. Be careful; don’t leave your business card on or near the body with your phone number and an email address on, cos the boys in blue will get ya! Even the thickest copper in the world will work that one out! 5. If you live in a block of flats, DO NOT dispose of the body under the floorboards!! This is because blocks of flats tend not to have floorboards so if you are digging down you might end up falling through to the flat below, which can be very inconsiderate if the family below are all sat down watching the X Factor! 6. If you’ve got the body/bodies in bed with you then for goodness sake plug them up otherwise they will seep everywhere which is no fun if you don’t have a washing machine! 7. If your victim has a mobile phone DO NOT be phoning all your mates on it!! The police will trace YOUR arse faster than you can say ‘EH’!!! 8. If you have disposed of the body under your settee then PLEASE keep ya dog out of the living room! It’ll drive the dog mad and you might have to kill your dog and remember….a dog is for LIFE! 9. Don’t be gossiping to a big mouthed scene queen otherwise the bitch will chat and next thing you know, you are on picking up soap duties in the showers in Strangeways prison! 10. If you’ve disposed of the body in your flat then for goodness sake be sensible and keep a window open otherwise it’ll stink like a …….council flat! 11. DO NOT try and strangle someone if you have just had false nails attached!! You will not be pleased when they fly off everywhere!! 12. Be careful if you are dyslexic and want to be a serial killer cos you might find yourself smashing a packet of cornflakes with a hammer! 13. If you have killed someone do not tell your mum!! Otherwise she will phone the police thinking she’s doing her best for you! 14. Cover the body/bodies in bin liners otherwise the corpses will be covered in flies and maggots, which is fine if you are in a big house and you have the body in an attic, it won’t be fun in a pokey bed-sit! 15. DO NOT take the body on the bus in order to dispose of the body!! Other passengers on the bus will get suspicious! 16. Don’t worry about the cost of keeping dead bodies! They are DEAD remember so won’t cost you anything in food! 17. DO NOT show off to your mates by killing a stunner and propping him up in a chair when your mates come round to visit and pretending he’s your new boyfriend! Even your thickest most pissed up friend will suss, especially if the body is decomposing! Remember, what looks good alive, won’t when dead! 18. You won’t impress anyone from Papua New Guinea with your serial killer skills! They’ve been doing it of sorts for centuries! Besides, they eat theirs so NERR NERR to you! 19. DO NOT decide to be a serial killer if you are a contestant on BIG BROTHER!! The reason being is you are on camera and about 10 million viewers will be witnesses! 20. AND finally, if you do not fancy Rhoda Hoarse DO NOT tell her you are a serial killer cos she will kill you for saying no just to teach you a lesson, or she’ll get some of her ‘special friends’(Clients) from the local kebab shop to deal with your arse! THERE, I HOPE THIS WEEKS TIPS ENRICH YOUR LIFE! IF YOU HAVE ANY TIPS THEN SEND THEM IN TO ME AND THE BEST WILL BE PUBLISHED ON HERE! 
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